As I am entering a new era of my life, I can feel the energy in me shifting and coming full circle back to the sequence of events that have greatly shaped my past year.
I've been reflecting the past couple of days with the Spring Equinox and the New Moon in Aries on what this potent time means for me-really tuning in to the vibration that I can feel humming all around me.
I wanted to take some time to share with you this past year's journey for me...with the hopes that maybe you can relate or it can even guide you as you are entering a new era of your life as well.
In Fall of 2021 I started experiencing health problems related to my eyes. (Aries always have head related issues if you didn't know-and it's so freaking true). I kept talking about it with my loved ones, until eventually I started seeking medical help as it got worse.
I want to say I saw about 7 specialists who all told me that there was nothing wrong. I persisted as I knew my body- and finally had a doctor suggest I go get labs as he believed I had an eye disease that was relative to an autoimmune disorder.
When he said this, I knew it to be true.
I got labs as he requested, and following a myriad of symptoms...hair loss, eyes bulging from their sockets, panic attacks, loss of energy, joint pain, brain fog, nausea...I was finally diagnosed with Grave's Disease in April 2022. Three months before my wedding.
Throughout this time frame-from April to January this year- everything in my life changed.
I went from living pretty carefree day-to-day, to now suffering through a lot of invisible symptoms, living in fear of more symptoms or health issues...
This diagnosis was a thief of joy and a thief of me preparing for my wedding and bachelorette.
What was supposed to be the biggest and best year of my life, had been robbed.
But this joy and ability to be in the moment wasn't the only thing I lost throughout this time.
Getting sick had caused me to really focus on myself...to be so aware of myself in a way that I never had been before. Unfortunately, I didn't like what I found.
I realized very quickly that I had always considered myself to be a confident person-but that my confidence was very fragile-gone as soon as my looks started to change. What a huge loss.
Anger started to boil up inside me-repressed anger that I thought I had healed long ago. Memories of being mistreated and abused by people I care about surfaced-and I realized it was time to let these 20+ year relationships go. What a devastating loss.
I now had a leaky gut, which hindered my ability to eat certain foods ever again. A source of comfort in a trying time. What an inconvenient loss.
But the biggest loss of all-was myself.
The life I had prior to this diagnosis no longer existed. I had to empty myself of the ways I was nourishing my brain and body-through what I was eating, who I was surrounding myself with, the toxic thoughts and shakeable esteem I had always lived by.
I realized that my entire life I had been described as confident, strong, brave, aggressive even... but what I actually was, who I actually was- was unsure, bullied, fearful, and complaisant.
I had no idea who I was. I had lost it all. So I thought.
Fast forward through that year of healing-focusing on nourishing my brain and body with only good, emptying and rinsing myself of all that wasn't aligned, and focusing my spiritual practices and insights on mending what I had been breaking for years.
It wasn't easy, and I never found myself-instead I felt a deep emptiness and fear around not knowing how to respond or act, who to confide in, what to think. But I started to feel better. I noticed a sense of calm and knowing start to come.
Hope, that's what it was. Hope was coming.
Now, I am here-almost a year later. Still not knowing who I am, still having felt the loss from last year...
But the loss feels different to me now. As I participated in my Spring Equinox ritual this week, I realized-the losses weren't a loss in the form of "I lost this and it's gone and I'm going to miss it forever." Nooo-
the losses were MEANT to be lost.
They were the kind of losses that occur when your contract is up with the era of your life. They were happening so that I could have space for what was COMING.
If my life was still full of the unhealthy relationships, food, thoughts, and repressed emotions-there would be no way I could create new, healthier versions for myself. There would be no room. These losses were signifying an up-leveling.
As I meditated for the Equinox, this realization hit me. And then I caught a glimpse of who I am becoming. I still don't know for sure, but I can feel her in there now. Like a seed that was planted last year, and just barely has a bud poking out of the ground.
It doesn't feel empty anymore, it feels like it's just the beginning of it refilling.
The small glimpse of her I could feel was a woman who has let go of the past, who is thanking and honoring the phases of life she has been through-but gracefully moving on.
She is a woman who is connected with nature-less focused on the outward and more turned inward. To find the esteem from inside. She is rooted in her spiritual principles-with a deep knowing that surrendering to the universe is the only way.
She is peaceful and non-reactive, realizing that strength is not giving your power away.
She is a medicine woman. Offering knowledge and guidance wherever she goes. She is wild, and of the earth. She is fierce but kind. She is coming.
Until then, I will continue to water her little bud, and grow with her.
Forever grateful for the practices that lead me to these insights and knowing, to being able to understand my inner world-and to have a space to share with those who need it.
This is the end of a cycle of my life-and a beginning of an entirely new one. Thank you for being with me on the journey!
