When defining your sense of self one of the most important aspects is being very clear on what you are aligned with, and what you are not.
Boundaries is a buzz word right now, but for good reason-they are an integral part of self-confidence and identity.
I'm going to talk a little bit about how to determine what your dealbreakers are when it comes to defining your identity, as well as what your dealmakers are...we can't always just look at what we are NOT wanting-we have to always be able to replace that with something new.
Here's an extra little habit tip for ya: habits can't be undone, they can only be replaced.
So anytime we eradicate something from our lives, we have to replace it with something new, or else the old will reappear. :) Interesting, I know.
Okay, so let's start with dealbreakers because they are going to be easiest. Something I do in my coaching is teach you how to do what I call a "life edit", which is essentially looking at different areas of your life and deciding what you no longer want in them.
Think of it like you're cleaning out your closet, except it's more internal and once you rid yourself of whatever you've chosen that no longer fits, you're immediately going to be investing in something new to take it's place.
So as you scan the different areas of your life, ask yourself, "what am I absolutely not going to allow into my next era?" This could be from others, in your environment, but also from yourself!
Here are a couple of examples of the dealbreakers I defined when working on my own identity:
-not adhering to my budget
-reacting instead of responding
-relationships that don't feel good
Now mind you, this wasn't like-okay, I've decided this so it is done. It takes a lot of intentional action and realigning. But I set those dealbreakers in April of this year and I can say that currently in my life, I am aligned and adhere to all three of them. They ARE me now.
So on to the dealmakers. These are the things that when they happen to you, for you , around you, within you, it is a FUCK YES from you. You know what you don't want in your next chapter, but what about what you absolutely DO want?
One way to define these things is by asking yourself for each of the aforementioned areas what you would want instead. This sounds simple, but getting people to identify what they're working toward can be super difficult because our brains just aren't wired that way. We all have a negativity bias.
So I usually spend some time here asking questions to help you get clear, but one thing you could try if you are struggling to determine what you want, is asking what peace would look like in each of those areas, and what your life would look like if you reached that.
Another practice to figuring this out is by looking at your current embodiment in each of those areas, and then thinking of what your potential embodiment for each could be. (If you're unsure how to determine your embodiment, search in the blog-I have a whole post on how to do it)!
Once you've defined your potential embodiment, just turn that to aligned actions and you've got your dealmakers!
Here are some of my own dealmakers:
-I replaced not adhering to my budget with a bullet journal to keep me on track (now I'm obsessed with bullet journaling and it has brought SO much other structure into my life)
-I replaced my tendency to react with embodied awareness (so I spent a lot of time learning what my body cues were that I was about to react to something and then learned to slow down and be calm before I do)
-I replaced relationships that didn't feel good with distance and more social goals (getting rid of certain relationships was hard, but I am working now to rebuild a new community and I'm very clear and intentional about the type of energy I want around me)
This was a super condensed version of something we do in coaching sessions, but hopefully it's a good place for you to get started.
If all else fails, ask yourself, "what is a FUCK NO moving forward for me?" There's your dealbreakers.
Then ask, "what's a fuck yes?" That's your dealmakers.
Leave me any questions below-have fun defining and aligning!
