🌿 The Beauty of a Boundary: How I Stopped Carrying It All

There was a time when I wasn't proud of the person I was, or the way I showed up in the world. I hurt people pretty often. I was very callous, very self-protective, very selfish. I was detached from my emotions completely, in a way that made it not only difficult to feel empathy for others, but also to feel anything for myself.

It was a dangerous place to be, to not care. But at the time, it felt really good. To genuinely not care about anything or anyone felt like freedom to me. I also just didn't know any different to be fair.

But along the way I did some things that provoked some feeling in me...mostly because they deeply negatively impacted my own life, and as I said-I was pretty selfish.

But regardless of the why, I decided I wanted to change and become a better person. Without really knowing how to do so, I told myself to begin by taking accountability for the things I had done. When I did this, it felt like a new kind of freedom. So I let that lead my path...I paved a new way for me where I constantly and consistently owned my part...navigating the world and my relationships by asking, "what was your role in this Courtney?"

To my pleasure, this worked. I found that personal responsibility was a game change for being a better person. Holding myself accountable increased my self-awareness, allowed me to control what I actually could control (me), and ensured the choices I was making were using lessons from the past to be more aligned.

Unfortunately, this snowballed until it unraveled.

This tendency built and built and built over the years...much like a snowball going down a mountain...getting bigger and bigger and bigger until slowly, quietly, I found myself always being the one to go first. The one to apologize first. To soften first. To do the inner work first.

And without realizing it, I made healing my burden to carry—alone.

I was ALWAYS the one taking responsibility. Owning my part. Apologizing first. Seeking amends first. Being accountable first. Creating change first. What I found internally was resentment and frustration.

Also, when I wasn't doing this I was the villain in everyone's story...but when I did do this I noticed I was STILL the villain. Only now it seemed that I viewed myself that way too.

This was all subconsciously happening...until I started healing and it came to the light.

We’re taught that taking responsibility is empowering. And it is. But when we’re the only one doing it in a relationship, it becomes emotional over-functioning.

This was a powerful way to create change in my life and within myself. But eventually, it stopped being empowering and started being exhausting.Because I wasn’t just taking my responsibility—I was carrying everyone else’s too.

What started out as growth turned into self-abandonment.

I had went too far the other direction. Now, I was the only one in my relationships doing the healthy thing, the self-aware thing...and my willingness to take responsibility often abdicated others from feeling as though they needed to.

"Only one person needs the blame right? You're volunteering for it? Ok, sure, you're the problem and I accept your apology!"

But after many life events that were shaping me and helping me grow further, I started to realize what was happening...the narrative I had been creating...and how the people in my life were taking advantage of it.

I started to see some things:

-always going first doesn't necessarily make you "evolved", but it can most definitely make you invisible

-being the only one healing isn't noble or impressive-it's lonely

-boundaries and growth need to be reciprocal, or you're the only one doing the work

I've always been great at setting boundaries, but I found that my inner boundaries were too rigid. They were keeping me on the path of who I wanted to be, but preventing me from seeing that the people around me weren't headed to a similar destination.

It's like walking to a goal with horse blinders on... I can see where I'm headed, but I can't see that the people beside me are allowing me to carry the load while they walk freely.

It was an unnerving realization to say the least.

So, I realized I had to once again, change my boundaries. Shift them in a way so that I wasn't carrying what wasn't mine anymore.

I started to check in with myself in a different way:

• Do I feel like the emotional “thermostat” in this relationship?

• Am I quick to name my wrongs but hesitant to name someone else’s?

• Do I fear conflict more than I fear being misunderstood?

• Do I always go first in repair—even when I didn’t cause the rupture?

Even one "yes" to those is a sign you're carrying too much.

This lesson is one I'm always returning to, as I've kept my self-awareness and tendency to be personally responsible...but I've now removed my blinders to those who aren't.

I've learned:

You don’t have to be the only one who grows.You don’t have to be the only one who apologizes.You don’t have to be the only one holding the relationship together—whether it’s with a partner, a friend, a sibling, or yourself.

You can still be accountable. Still be kind. Still be healing.And also say: This part isn’t mine to hold.

That’s the beauty of a boundary.It doesn’t make you hard. It makes you whole.