Okay Fear, I hear You

My brain likes to do this awesome trick where something good happens to me and it immediately thinks of all the reasons this good thing is probably smoke and mirrors and going to cost me in the long run. It's awesome, let me tell ya.

Once those thoughts happen, I feel anxious-which I didn't even learn until last year can contribute to chronic illness. Perfect!

From there, my anxiety sits in the backseat of my day, maybe not visible up front, but one glance to the mirror of what's behind me and there it is-lurking. Staring back at me sheepishly-with a hatchet ready to defend.

As I move throughout my day never addressing this anxiety it turns to my dreams to catch my attention. Dreams of someone dying, losing something, someone moving or leaving...the ever present abandonment issues my father so graciously bestowed upon me.

When I wake the next morning from an awful slumber, one full of loss and pain...(the lack of sleep now adding an additional element of stress which is ALSO contributing to chronic illness)...that anxiety has turned to fear. A heavy weight in my chest, no longer in the back but riding shotgun-hatchet hanging out the window daring anyone to get too close.

Now I know from 32 years of living this way, that if this fear isn't addressed it will turn to panic. Then, I'm out of options and what little control I have left. My little hatchet helper will take the wheel-eradicating anything it sees as a threat.

It could see a threat in the very thing that started this whole journey to begin with-the happiness I felt for a second the day before.

It could see a threat in my thyroid, because the molecules resemble too closely the toxins that have leaked into my gut and are contributing to all this extra stress.

Or it could be myself. I am the threat. It's me, hi. I'm the problem, it's me.

Then, it will destroy me-in the form of shame and abhorrent ridicule.

Most always though, it destroys all three. My happiness, my health, and myself.

To be honest, I am so sick of fear.

It's one of the biggest contributing factors to the autoimmune disorder and eye disease I developed last year. It sends so much unnecessary stress through my body-keeping me in a chronic state of fight or flight, and a chronic state of disease. I am so SICK of being afraid.

But here is the silver lining: I've been connected to my body for a whole year now.

I know that sounds weird, but I never realized how completely DISCONNECTED from my physical body I was before. What I mean by that is, how I couldn't recognize it's cues. The way I filled it with such bad food, thoughts, belief systems... (I used to be addicted to reading the intricacies of a serial killer's mind...do you know what that does to the psyche?)

But when I got sick last year it forced me to be more aware. To start from scratch and really tune in.

So this time, when this hatchet helper popped in, I was so keenly aware of it, that I paused. I felt her there. And by this morning when I woke up from my bad dreams and it had turned to fear, I realized I couldn't just ignore it like I had my whole life. I know now what that does to the human body.

So I considered my options. Talk about it... that's never helped me in the past. Dissect it...that drains me.

Instead, I put on a meditation and sat with it.

I breathed into it. I felt her there in my chest, the ache of things lost and the potential to lose them again. And it was sad. It hurt.

But then the meditation turned to hope. Guiding me into a visualization in which I could see this thing that I'm afraid of turning out for the best. What did that look like? What did that feel like?

As I imagined myself handling this fear in the most desired and valued way of my imagination, I felt it lift from my chest. It became lighter and instead felt like knowing. Like I know what this is, and I know how to handle it. How to cradle it like the inner child it is, and then give it better dreams to reach for.

Following the meditation I felt so much better, like this fear was no longer even anxiety, although I could still feel it back there, tucked into the trunk, ready for battle should I water it enough to grow.

I got in the shower and noticed my thoughts weren't anxious anymore. They were actually a funny memory that popped into my head and made me laugh. My breaths were slow. My body was calm.

I turned on my morning affirmations to further solidify this good energy. "I am healthy. I am listening to my body. I am connected to my soul", the voice cooed.

I stepped out of that shower at peace. Inspired even to share my journey through fear over 24 hours. Now I know this is a battle. One successful triumph will have to be repeated to rewrite my stories. Hurts will have to continue to heal to overcome the abandonment.

But this for me, was a win. All I ever had to do was hear my fear.

Love and Light to You,